Dear Tinga
by zackzsilverangel
Summary: First of a series called Regrets to Siblings, Max writes to her siblings, asking for forgiveness.


Dear Tinga

Dear Tinga

Disclaimer: Tinga, Max, Zack and the rest of the X-5's mentioned belong to James Cameron, and Fox. I own nothing, although I wished I did.

Summary: Max writes a letter to Tinga soon after her death at the hands of Madame X. (Spoilage: Post-Meow, Pre-AJBAC.)This is the first of a series, called Regrets to Siblings, in which Max writes letters to her siblings, telling them her regrets, and asking for forgiveness. Rated R.

Dear Tinga:

I'm sorry that we couldn't get you out in time. I can't believe that you actually left us. First Jack, then Eva, then Ben, now you. And Brin too. I had to kill Ben, Tinga, do you know how that feels???? I had to kill my own brother with my bare hands. Zack still hates me for it. I can feel his eyes burning into me every time, he looks at me. Our big brother doesn't trust me anymore, I mean; I know that sending Ben to the high place was better than leaving him to Lydecker. But, it doesn't make Zack hate me any less; it doesn't make ME hate me any less. I killed my brother, my older brother!!! I guess, you think now that I don't have any respect for my elders, but I do, very much so. It's my fault that you got captured, you realize that don't you?? I could've tried to talk you out of it or at least have been quicker in the rescue attempt. But, I dawdled, I dawdled, and that cost you your life. Go, ahead, big sister, tell me I'm an idiot, tell me I'm stupid for wanting to stay in Seattle, to have a normal life. There's nothing keeping me here after all, just my Jam Pony crew, and my home girl O.C. In case you were thinking one of the reasons that kept me here, was Logan, you were wrong. Whatever it was that we had, however, short, or long, or whatever, is over. 

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I mean, how, could I ever keep a relationship with someone like that?? I mean, I'm not trashing talking about him; it's just that he isn't like us. He doesn't know what it was like for us inside, Manticore!! He didn't know what it was like to train, train so hard, because if you didn't you'd get killed. He wasn't there with us, when we saw our own brothers and sisters, tortured or killed, because they were seen as "weak". He didn't wake up every morning to one of Lydecker's sermons of "Emotion makes you weak. You are soldiers. Emotion means nothing, pain means nothing." God, those days still give me nightmares. He doesn't understand things, from our prospective. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to all the help he's given us, but, I'm come to realize that there's only one reason why he started helping me in the first place. He needed a bodyguard, someone who was fast enough to run his little do-gooder errands for him. Sad, really. I don't like being around him, because being around him, only reminds me of what I am, something I'd rather keep in the past. I hate what I am, Tinga. I hate it!!! There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't wish, that I could just drop everything, and live a normal life. Oh, I tried that, I tried it several times. And, you know what?? It doesn't work. Every time, I become selfish, and greedy, trying to live a normal life, it brings one of you guys, my family, down. I tried getting a job, making some friends, then it blows up in my face. Big brother blows into town, telling me he's in shit and he needs help. I went to help, but, it never works, because the closer I get with Zack, or you, or Brin, or Syl, or anybody, the closer Lydecker is to striking. 

It's just another one of those things I regret. But, I think my biggest regret is letting you down. That, and letting Ben down too. You guys needed me, you needed me, and I wasn't there for you. I wasn't there for you; I was still living in denial. Sometimes, I think that I still am. I'm a selfish bitch, that's what I am. I couldn't even convince myself, that what I was doing was living a lie. Ben was in pain, you were in pain, I could've helped you and I didn't. Instead, I lectured Ben on what was right and wrong, and I couldn't even get out fast enough to save you. It disgusts me to look in the mirror, and see what I've become. I honestly don't know how you can forgive me, when I can't even forgive myself.

Forgiveness Is Rare,

Max


End file.
